


The Lost Episode

by sugargaze



Series: Decoding [1]
Category: Tiny Meat Gang (Band)
Genre: Comfort, Drunken Confessions, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Male Friendship, Podcast, Sexual Confusion, Shame, Soft Boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-06-25 03:33:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19737469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugargaze/pseuds/sugargaze
Summary: Cody goes off the rails when sharing his thoughts on sexuality.





	The Lost Episode

**Author's Note:**

> Written in the style of a transcript - seemed the best way to handle so much dialogue.
> 
> This is a work of fiction. Please do not show this or relay this idea to the boys or anyone close to them.

N: Alright, welcome to the bonus episode.

C: Yes, welcome to the bone pod.

N: We said we’d deliver and here we are.

C: As you can see we are in the beautiful Baha-mas.

N: Yep.

C: Hopefully the beautiful scenery distracts from what absolute ass we look like right now.

N: [laughs] Yeah, the lighting is also not great, so… sorry about that. We did our best.

C: Yeah, sorry. We’re… idiots.

N: It is what it is.

C: Uh, to start things off… I actually have a couple things I want to talk about.

N: Nice, okay.

C: I guess, full disclosure, we should also tell you that we are a little, how do you say, sauced?

N: [Nick Colletti voice] S a u c e d is right.

C: Nothing crazy, you know, had a couple mai tais, feeling good.

N: Yeah, feeling good.

C: Well, I had a couple mai tais and Noel had a sip of Aleena’s beer so we’re basically at the same level.

N: [sighs]

C: Baby deer ass… can’t… can’t hold his liquor… ass.

N: Mmmm, okay.

C: Anyway, so what I wanted to talk about is actually that another guy has come forward to talk about Sir James Charles.

N: Wow, that’s still going on?

C: Yeah, I mean, it seems like it’s an ongoing thing. Apparently, people have kind of known for years that he was a little… a little… I don’t want to say aggressive, but a little… you know, he comes on too strong.

N: Okay.

C: Yeah, he has No Chill, as they like to say here in the Bahamas.

N: Mmm. Yeah, they definitely only say that in the Bahamas.

C: Yeah, exactly. Just chillin’ in the Baha-mas.

N: You can’t keep doing the Hillary Clinton bit, dude. It’s 2019.

C: It’s still funny.

N: Eh, I don’t- I don’t know that it is.

C: It’s still funny. I think it’s funny. [looks at the camera] Do you guys think it’s funny? Let us know in the comments. Actually, don’t, I don’t actually give a shit.

N: [laughs] Jesus.

C: Yeah, so I think this is like the 4th guy? And he’s pretty much saying the same thing as everyone else and it’s like… I don’t know, I’m just not really sure why this is still happening.

N: What do you mean?

C: I mean like, I don’t know, James Charles obviously has some stuff he has to work out, but like… I don’t know, doesn’t this seem overkill compared to the shit other youtubers are doing?

N: Uhh... 

[Noel turns his head sideways and moves the mic to his mouth but doesn’t say anything.]

C: Like, he didn’t like, assault anyone, you know? It’s not like he stole from them or held them against their will or some shit.

N: Uhh… I mean, how old is this guy, the one that came forward?

C: Like 20s. 20ish. No, actually I think he is 20. [Looks at his phone.] Yeah, he’s 20.

N: And he’s gay?

C: No, I think he’s like, not sure.

N: He’s not sure?

C: Yeah, he’s like… questioning or whatever. He says he was experimenting, he wasn’t sure if he liked dudes.

N: I don’t- I mean, not to veer off topic this early in the pod but like, I don’t get that.

C: Get what?

N: How can you be 20 and not know what your sexuality is?

C: Uh… yeah, I don’t- I don’t know, I feel like I get that.

N: Really?

C: Yeah, like… especially now, there’s all these labels.

N: I don’t know, man. Even with all that… I feel like there’s no way you get to 20 and you don’t know.

C: Uhh… I don’t know. I think it’s possible.

N: Wh- Cody.

C: What?

N: I knew that I loved women when I was like, 5 years old.

C: [laughs] Okay.

N: Like, okay, maybe not everyone’s like that, but how do you get through puberty not knowing who you’re attracted to? Like, you’re telling me they didn’t get horny for nobody all the way up until 20?

C: I mean, I don’t think that’s necessarily what that means.

N: Okay.

C: Like, I think for some people the confusion is that they do get horny for people. Like, they get horny for all kinds of people.

N: Mmm.

C: You know?

N: Okay, but… why wouldn’t that just make them ID as bisexual? Or like, queer or whatever term they use now.

C: I don’t know, man. I think- I think it can also be more complicated than that.

N: You think?

C: Yeah, like… 

[Cody adjusts his shirt and clears his throat] 

C: I don’t know how to explain this.

[Noel turns toward Cody expectantly. Noel’s face is blank and hard to read.]

C: I mean, I think I definitely wondered about my sexuality into my 20s.

N: Wait, what? Really?

C: Yeah, like… I’m straight. I’ve only ever been with women. I had my first girlfriend in high school, my first sexual experience with a girl in high school, dated women in college, after college, obviously I’m with Kelsey now.

N: Okay.

C: But I remember I never experienced like… You know how when you’re growing up and you’re with your buddies and like, something gay happens?

N: [laughing] What?!

C: No, like-

N: Like a circle jerk?

C: [laughs] No, like... like you’re watching a movie or you’re in class and it comes up that someone is gay and dudes get, like, uncomfortable.

N: Oh, okay. Yeah, like something happens, yeah.

C: I never got that. Like, I just never felt the revulsion that most guys get about, like, dudes being with other dudes.

N: Okay.

C: And I thought I was just like… I don’t know, maybe I was just less homophobic than them? 

N: Hmmm.

C: ‘cause like, there’s not really anything about being straight that means you have to like, be grossed out by gay people.

N: Sure.

C: Like, a lot of straight dudes are, unfortunately, but it’s not like, I don’t know, it’s not like- it’s not like it’s part of being straight.

N: Okay. 

[Noel adjusts his mic again.] 

N: I’m not… I’m not sure where you’re going with this.

C: Yeah, so basically like, growing up I was only attracted to women, never thought about dudes, like, sexually or romantically or just the way you, like, think about girls and obsess about girls. You know what I mean.

N: Yeah, sure.

C: But in college… 

[Cody runs his hand through his hair.] 

C: I- I don’t know if I should tell this story. [laughs]

N: Okay, that's- I mean, it’s the bonus episode.

C: Yeah, but like… okay, I… okay. So I was in a frat in college, everyone knows that. I was… I got a diving scholarship, joined a fraternity, majored in computer science, like, the whitest shit you can do.

N: Yeah, I mean, there’s no real ambiguity when people look at you, but I think people could probably guess your race just based on that alone.

C: Yeah, for sure. Uh… I don’t know where I was going with that, I’m rambling, uh... I uh...

N: You good?

C: Yeah, uh, so, I was in a frat, as we’ve established, which is simultaneously the gayest and straightest thing in the world.

N: [laughs] Okay.

C: Like, just a dozen bros living together, drinking all the time, hazing, in each other’s space. It’s just… it’s… erotic.

N: Damn, okay. 

C: [laughs] Ugh, that was the wrong word. I don’t know why I said that. Whatever. So it’s a weird space, okay? And everyone is straight, it’s basically a big house where we’re 2 or 3 to a room… it doesn’t really matter, I don’t know why I’m including all these details.

N: Okay.

C: But basically… there was this guy, and I’m not going to say his name or describe him or whatever, but I had like… I don’t know, it was like… a crush?

N: Oh.

C: Yeah, but it wasn’t like… Ah man, I’m going to regret saying this. 

N: No, I mean… it’s…

[Cody looks down at his lap. He’s playing with the hem of his shorts.]

C: It just felt… I don’t know, I didn’t fantasize about like… being with him sexually?

N: Okay.

C: But I had this like… overwhelming desire to be… close to him. Like, when he was near me I just wanted to touch him. I remember one time we were both drunk, sitting on the couch, and I just wanted to… like, neck… him. 

N: Uhhh…

C: NO, NOT LIKE THAT!

N: [laughing] Tryna give your boy that NECK.

C: Ugh. Oh my god. No, like, I wanted to put my face in his neck. And I guess… I wanted to kiss him.

N: [still laughing] Okay, okay.

C: And I think I told myself... like… 

[Cody looks down again.] 

Honestly, I don’t know what I told myself. I think I probably tried to convince myself that it was like, jealousy maybe? Since he had a nice body and was just overall, like, a good looking and charismatic dude.

N: Sure.

C: But it was… more than that. Like, there were a lot of decent looking dudes in my frat and our neighboring frats. I see dudes with nice bodies at the gym all the time and I have 0 desire to even, like, approach them, or even stare at them.

N: Right, you’re not tryna gym tickle.

C: [laughs] Right.

[Cody and Noel sit in silence for about 5 seconds. Both of them nervously run their hands through their hair.]

C: I mean, so… what I’m trying to say is… shit’s complicated, I guess. I feel for this kid.

N: [Hesitating] Yeah…

C: Like, I get it. Like, I’m not… I never wanted to have sex with that guy.

N: Okay.

C: I’m not, you know, bisexual or whatever.

N: Okay.

C: But like… I don’t know. To this day, I’m like, what the fuck was that?

N: Right. I mean… 

[Noel plays with the hem of his shirt.] 

Have you ever, like, felt that again?

C: Um… I mean, yeah… but I don’t know that I’ve experienced it that strong… Well, actually… fuck, I don’t know. Maybe. I feel like… that was definitely the strongest, but it may have just been because that was the first? I don’t know.

N: Okay.

C: I don’t know, man.

N: I mean… did it ever… did you guys ever, like, do something?

C: No, I mean, he was straight. [Cody pauses] I’m straight.

N: Mmm…

C: I don’t… I don’t know. I… I don’t know. 

[Noel leans back, taking a deep breath and adjusting his mic for the millionth time.]

N: I mean, I feel like… I feel like I’ve heard of this.

C: Really?

N: Like, not… your specific situation but I’ve heard of people, like, not experiencing… I guess, gay attraction until they meet one particular person.

C: Huh. I mean, I guess it… does make sense that that could happen. The brain is… malleable.

N: Yeah, for sure, and like… I guess it doesn’t really matter, you know?

C: Yeah, yeah.

N: I mean, I don’t know. I definitely see what you’re saying now.

C: Right.

N: I think that would really confuse me, too. I mean, especially because like, you’re not even like the situation I described where there’s only one person that kind of… breaks the mold or whatever, you’re just kinda… you know…

C: Okay, thank you! You see what I mean.

N: Yeah, totally. And I guess like… I don’t know, are you… curious?

C: What do you mean?

N: Like, you’ve had this impulse to like… touch… dudes…

C: [Cody groans] It sounds so creepy when you say it.

N: [laughs] Sorry, I just mean like… don’t you want to know what it’s like?

C: Um…

[Cody leans back and looks up in distress, like he’s asking God to feed him a line.]

C: I think I’m, like… afraid of not… being… straight, I guess?

N: Oh, yeah. I could see that.

C: Yeah, like… I mean why else would I have not… I guess, experimented?

N: Hmmm.

C: I don’t know. It’s… surprisingly hard to talk about this stuff.

N: I think that’s, like, normal. On one hand I’m… kinda surprised we haven’t talked about this before, but also, like… I get why you might have been… hesitant, you know? Not just with people in general, but I guess… me?

C: No, I… I mean, I haven’t even told Kelsey about this and we’re like, attached at the hip. We’re basically sharing a brain at this point. We share a bed and four brain cells.

N: Yeah, I just guess I see why you might be hesitant to tell a partner because it could, like, make them insecure or whatever. I guess this is just making me think of, like, how much I clown about stuff being gay.

C: Mmmm.

N: Like, the “fellas” bit? “Fellas, is it gay to want to neck your homie?”

C: Ugh, Jesus, I already regret telling you this.

N: [laughs] No, no, like, it’s kind of fucked up when you think about it.

C: You think so?

N: Like we have a lot of gay fans, and now you-

C: I’m not gay.

N: No, I’m not- I’m not saying you’re gay.

C: Okay, sorry.

N: I guess I’m just… I’m sorry if it made you feel like you couldn’t… you know, process that with me or whatever.

C: Mmmm.

N: Like, we talk about a lot of shit, but we just… never talked about that so I guess I feel like I might have been at least part of the reason.

C: No, I think… Like, I appreciate you saying that and maybe it’s something like, going forward for the fans or whatever that you… work on or something, I don’t know, I don’t know that it’s a big deal.

N: Yeah, I… I don’t know. 

C: I think though it’s mostly… me. Honestly, it’s probably all me. And I think the fact that I’m not like… you know, it’s not like I’m totally gay and have been repressing this shit my whole life, so it’s not like confronting this is, like, a thing I need to do to be happy or whatever.

N: Right.

C: There’s just… I don’t know. I guess there’s a small part of me that isn’t… straight? Or might not be? I don’t know. See? This shit. I’m 30 and I still don’t fucking know what’s going on.

[Cody starts slowly rubbing his biceps.]

N: It’s just… It’s not a big deal, dude.

C: And like, what is this? I just wanna touch dudes and kiss dudes, but not even just dudes in general, just like maybe 3 dudes I’ve met in my life? And I don’t want to go farther than that? Is that even possible?

N: Cody-

C: Why am I talking about this on the podcast? My girlfriend is going to find out I’m kinda-sorta-maybe-occasionally-but-not-really-a-little gay via podcast? I’m not gay.

N: I mean, it’s not… this isn’t live, Cody. This won’t go up for a week. I mean… this doesn’t have to go up at all.

[Noel looks at Cody but Cody doesn’t meet his gaze. Cody’s face is flushed and he’s alternating rubbing his biceps and palming his chest. Between the weather and the alcohol and the emotion of what he’s shared, Cody’s whole body is covered in a sheen of sweat.]

C: Fuck, can you… can you turn the camera off, please? 

[Noel stands up and turns off the camera then he sits down again. This time he’s leaning forward with his elbows on his thighs like a player trying to talk to his teammate courtside.]

N: You seem… kinda fucked up about this. This is… not a big deal, man. It’s just not. 

C: Isn’t it though? How is this not a big fucking deal?

[Noel sighs and looks at his hands.]

N: I mean, you yourself told me that the attraction you felt to this guy… or these guys, whatever, wasn’t… like, it wasn’t sexual. And even if it was, like, so what? So fucking what? So you’re bisexual? Who cares?

C: I’m not bisexual.

N: No, I… no, I know that. I’m just saying, there’s nothing that you’ve told me that you should feel ashamed about, or… or worried about. 

[Cody continues to stare blankly at the ground. Minutes pass before Cody breaks the silence.]

C: I just… I don’t know how this happened. I had zero intention of talking about this. 

N: No, I… I can kind of tell. But like… we’re on vacation and you’ve been drinking, you know? And we were filming a bonus episode so your guard was even more down. The vibe is honestly almost too chill.

[Cody gives a short exhale through his nose.]

C: We can’t… I don’t… I don’t want to release this episode.

N: Dude, it’s fine.

C: I don’t want to deal with this. I don’t want to talk about this with anyone. Not Kelsey, not my family, not with-

N: It’s done. It’s settled. You don’t have to convince me, man. Nobody will ever see it. 

[Cody finally looks at Noel. Cody’s eyes look unfocused and watery.]

N: Dude, you’re… you’re trashed, homie.

C: Yeah, I don’t… god damn it…

N: Why didn’t you tell me before we started filming?

C: I honestly didn’t think it would be an issue.

N: You look like you could kill someone and not remember it.

C: [laughs meekly] Honestly? I hope I don’t remember this.

N: I… I get that. I guess I’ll just say, in the event that you do remember any of this, that I don’t think it’s good for you to carry this kind of… shame and… and secrecy with you about something that’s so… normal.

C: I don’t think… I don’t think that what I feel… what I felt is normal.

N: It might not be… common, per se, but it’s totally in the ballpark of, like, normal human shit.

C: Yeah… Yeah, I guess you’re right. I guess I’m just… not sure why it feels so… bad.

N: Do you feel better at all, like, now that we’ve talked about it?

C: Honestly? I feel worse. It’s like… it’s like talking about it made it real. Before it was this nebulous thing that I could suppress for weeks, months, years at a time and now it’s… it’s a thing. I fucking made it a thing.

N: It’s not… I mean, it’s a thing, but it’s not…

C: I just… god, I hate myself. You know? Like, why? Why did I even bring this up? 

N: I don’t… I don’t know, dude. Maybe you needed to get it out and you couldn’t help it. You’re in a stage of your life… we’re in a stage of our lives where we’re doing big picture stuff. We’re not getting fucked up all the time. We’re starting to think about getting married and buying houses and shit. Maybe there’s a part of you that’s scared you’re going to regret, like, not… exploring this.

C: Do you think this is some like… weird subconscious shit? Like I picked this topic specifically to-

N: I… don’t know. I can’t possibly know. I’m not a… scientologist or whatever the fuck. It’s probably not that deep. 

C: Yeah… Yeah, you’re right.

[Noel’s phone rings and the custom tone for Aleena plays. Noel looks at Cody’s body now slumped back in the chair and then answers.]

N: Hey, what’s up? 

[Noel stands up and walks towards the balcony.]

N: Yeah, that’s fine. … No, that’s totally fine, we have reservations for tomorrow too, go ahead and take- … Yeah, no, Cody’s here and this is actually perfect because we have a bonus pod to record. … Yeah, we did one earlier but we have to do another one. … Yeah. … Yeah, we’re morons. … Okay, I’ll see you later. ... Love you, too. 

C: She good?

[Noel turns back towards the room and sees that Cody has made his way to the bed.

N: Yeah, she’s going to take Kelsey to that Mexican restaurant we like.

C: Sick.

[Cody closes his eyes.]

N: Dude, how much-

C: Can you stay?

N: What?

C: Can you stay… here… with me?

[Noel looks at Cody, really looks at him, and sees how small and vulnerable he is.]

N: Uh... yeah, dude, of course. Whatever you need.

[Noel kicks off his shoes and joins Cody on top of the covers on the queen sized bed. The room is silent for several minutes. The only sound is the ocean lapping against the yacht. Noel stares at the ceiling for a couple minutes before closing his eyes.]

C: Thanks, dude.

[Cody’s voice startles Noel. Noel looks at Cody.]

N: What?

C: Thanks… for putting up with all my bullshit, for not being weirded out by me… not being bothered that I’m such a soft, needy piece of shit.

N: Don't even, man. It’s okay.

C: No, it’s not. I mean, it is. I mean… you know what I mean. I think there’s a part of me that wanted to take… this… stuff or whatever to the grave, but if I had to tell someone... you know… [gestures vaguely towards Noel] so… thanks.

N: You’re welcome, man. I uh… I’m glad you told me and… I’m honestly sorry you’re so fucked up about it. I mean… maybe you suck a dick one day, big deal.

C: Jesus, Noel.

N: Maybe you give a homie some of that Samsung spin-cycle, sloppy top-

C: Noel, I swear to god if-

N: Shhh, hey, I’m fucking with you. I’m fucking with you. You know it’s hard for me to be soft. Just… you know, I want you to know that I’ll always be here for you, no matter what whack shit you say. Nothing can ever top what I have going on in here [taps head] anyway, so…

[Cody laughs softly]

N: I’m serious. I uh… 

[Noel takes a deep breath like he's preparing to rip a band-aid off.]

N: I love you, man. I mean it. You’re... you know, you're like a brother to me.

[Cody's face softens.]

C: Whoa. I mean, yeah, I love you too, man. Of course.

[Cody and Noel look at each other, blinking slowly. Noel turns back to face the ceiling and so does Cody. 10, 20, 30 seconds pass and the room is filled with the sound of surf and breathing. Noel closes his eyes.]

C: [yelling] IT’S REAL SOFT BOY HOURS, BABY!

N: Cody, what the fuck?

C: I don’t… I’m sorry. The tension… I…

N: Boy, if you don't shut up...

[They both laugh softly and force their eyes shut.]

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by some of the hurdles I had - and honestly still have - in regards to coming to terms with my same-sex attraction. I'm making this a series as I feel like there's a lot more to explore here. 
> 
> Also, the James Charles reference is a device and does not reflect my thoughts on the scandal, etc
> 
> [ click here to reach me on tumblr](https://sodaplease.tumblr.com/)


End file.
